Darndest Things: Issue Three

My youngest son, Miles, is two-and-a-half — one of my favorite ages.


Kids this age crack me up as they transition from the baby stage to the kid stage. Miles has this staccato way of talking that makes me want to video-record every sentence.

Recently, our neighbors spotted a cougar on their trail camera, and we have all been more cautious in the woods and yard because of it. A few days ago, Miles asked me to carry him from the car to the house in the dark so the “Too-ger” wouldn’t get him.

Once inside, he puffed his chest up and said, “Guess what, Mama,” emphasizing every word, “If I ever see that too-ger, I’m going to Hulk-mash him and throw him in a bol-cano full of hot lava.”

Glad I have these boys around to protect me.


Miles isn’t the only one around here feelin’ like a tough guy. A couple weeks ago, Gray (six years old) was issued his gi uniform for Taekwondo. Later that day, Chad caught him posing in the bathroom mirror:


As serious as Gray is, Reed (age four)  is a total goofball. I could write a Darndest Things book with material from this kid alone.

He recently complained about a sharp nail on his toe, but before I could grab a clipper, he had chewed it off.


Later that week, when Chad was giving the boys a bath, he slid the glass doors shut so they could splash around. After some suspicious-sounding giggling, Chad opened the door to find that Reed had poured the entire bottle of bubbles in tub.


Just yesterday, after finishing some serious work in the bathroom, Reed yelled for his big brother, “Gray, you have to come and see this! It looks exactly like a bald eagle!”

Don’t worry. There’s no photo documentation of that one.

Guys, I mean it when I say there is never a dull moment in a house full of boys.

Here are some more hilarious scenarios submitted by readers who obviously appreciate the witty and wacky things kids say as much as I do. Enjoy!

When Beyonce came on the radio, six-year-old Ryan proudly belted out, “All the singing lettuce!”

“Um, it’s ‘All the single ladies,'” his mom replied.

“Ohhhhhhh,” he said, looking at her as serious as can be, “that makes more sense.”

-submitted by Lori

Eliza and her cousin, both seven years old, were riding in the car when her cousin said, “I don’t know what I am going to do when I have to babysit my brothers and sisters. Maybe you can help me?”

“Maybe,” Liza replied. “I might be busy though. I might own a restaurant by then. And I might have a potion shop and I’ll be spending time making different potions…”

“Liza,” her cousin interrupted, “I mean when we’re like 12.”

-submitted by Adria

Rowen, age seven, ran into the room and exclaimed loudly, “I can read my own mind! That is the start to reading minds!”

-submitted by Jenny

When Lori told her three-year-old son, Trevor, that he needed to start listening, he replied, “I am listening. I’m just not cooperating.”

-submitted by Lori

On the way to the park just a few minutes away from their rural house, Sarah slowed to a stop so the vehicle in front of her could allow a passenger to hop out. From the back seat, Andrew (three years old) asked, “Are we in a traffic jam?”

-submitted by Sarah

The evening after Toby (nine years old) auctioned off his goat at the county fair, his family gathered at home for dinner and said a prayer of thanks for their food. At the end of the prayer, Toby added, “And please let Bud have a good time in heaven. Amen.”

-submitted by Kristen

Two-year-old Jack walked into his babysitter’s bathroom where she was standing in a pretty bra, putting on her makeup. “Whoa,” Jack said, staring at her with his mouth hanging open, “Nice nu-nu’s!”

-submitted by Jenny

As Amanda snuggled her new baby, a chorus of rumbling sounds emerged from his diaper area. She turned to her seven-year-old son and said, “Hey, Thomas — your baby brother made you a present. It’s homemade!”

Thomas, annoyed, glanced up from behind his glasses and said, “Thirty-four! You’re thirty-four, Mom!” then promptly returned to his breakfast.

Ava (five years old) chimed in, “It’s not homemade, Thomas. It’s poop. Mom’s crazy.”

-submitted by Amanda

Sometimes we parents do feel like the crazy ones when we find ourselves making comments like this one, from my friend Molly:

“Brody, if you need more hair from the animals for your potion, please come to me first.”

Thanks to all who submitted to the third issue of Darndest Things!

If you have a share-worthy kid quote (or parent quote!) for the next issue, email it to revisionsofgrandeur@outlook.com.

Keep laughing, friends!


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