You’ve heard it before: having children changes everything.
But it does. It really, truly does.
It prompts you to say things you never imagined having to say. Things like, “Please stop chasing after me with your wiener.” Things like, “No, I will not blow up the balloon you just pulled from your underwear.”
What’s worse is the nonchalance with which these words are spoken! Often, it takes an outsider’s giggles for us to even realize how completely bizarre are the phrases which come from our parenting lips.
Like last winter, when my son had a high fever and refused medicine, I purchased some Tylenol suppositories. After the “insertion,” I walked out of his bedroom and my husband asked, “Did it work?”
“I hope so,” I replied. “Those things weren’t cheap. I just pushed two dollars up that boy’s butt.”
I’ve had some gut-buster laughs at my kiddos and at my mother-self, and am always relieved to hear that child-rearing is as entertaining for others as it is for me.
Welcome to Darndest Things, a series of reader-submitted kid quotes and quips. If you missed the first issue, you can check it out here. I hope you enjoy these antics as much as I did!
Let’s start off with this note exchange between my friend Daniele’s children and husband:
While riding in the car with his mom Kristin, Emmett (21 months old) began yelling, “Big cock, big cock…” as they passed two semi trucks, to which Kristin replied, “Yes Emmett, most boys wish they had a BIG “truck”!
-submitted by Kristin
Sofia (age three) pulled her pink curtains off of her bedroom curtain rod. Just as her dismayed parents prepared to correct her, she wrapped the curtain around herself like a cape and strutted past them, declaring, “Make way for the queen!”
-submitted by Valarie
Vera was having a wonderful time opening presents at her second birthday party. According to her, every card read, “Happy Birthday!” When she opened a card with a gift of money enclosed, she exclaimed, “Ooh, happy dollars!”
-submitted by Brynn
When Reed (three years old) complained of a drippy nose, his dad helped him blow into a tissue. A second later, he wiggled his upper lip and said, “Uhh, Daddy, there’s still some on my – on my – my snout.”
-submitted by Chad
When Sofia (age three) arrived home from school, she said to her nanny, “Miss Megan, I learned about how Jesus died today.”
“Oh yeah? How did Jesus die?” Megan asked.
Sofia paused to think before answering, “I think he bumped his head.”
-submitted by Val
Okay, children, it is now time for your spelling test. The word is “where.”
-submitted by Daniele
Toby (age eight) looked sweetly at his mother and told her she was sooo beautiful. As she smiled back and began to thank him, he cut her off — “Because your eyebrows are just so hunky and chunky and BIG!”
-submitted by Kristen
Out to dinner at a restaurant, Reid (age three) asked his parents, “Mom? Dad? Are we blacks or are we whites?”
As they smiled at his innocence and stifled their giggles, he continued, “And are there silvers?”
-submitted by Erin
This last one, an all-time favorite, is one I hesitate to share because of its personal nature, but I hope you’ll forgive the TMI offense in the name of a good chuckle!
*First, a snippet of backstory: when I cut my three sons’ hair with an electric clipper on the kitchen stool, I always bribe them to sit still by offering a Tootsie Pop sucker.
In early summer, I left the kids in the living room with my hubby and crept up to the bathroom to do a little pre-swimsuit springtime grooming in my, umm — REGION.
Miles, (just-turned-two) heard the curious buzz and tracked me down upstairs. He stood in the hall, pounding on the bathroom door.
“Momma will be right out, Sweetie. I need a few minutes of privacy.”
He immediately turned the knob and busted through the door.
He looked THERE. He looked at the tool in my hand. He looked up at my face.
Then he asked, “Want a lollipop?”
I know you’ve got stories — things your kids, grandkids, nieces & nephews, students, or menace neighbor kids said that made you smile or flat-out cackle-snort. Will you share them? Just type ‘em up and email them to firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’d love to publish your name and the child’s first name and age, but if you’d rather be anonymous, just let me know the child’s age.
Keep on laughing.